Get ready to become the most confident version of yourself. In this post I'll outline everything I have researched and practiced about becoming totally confident in every area of your life.
This post is pretty big and contains a ton of valuable advice, so I've broken it down into sections so it's easy to use.
Competence breeds Confidence
The best way to be confident without using any tricks or mind games, is to have competence.
This means that you are good at or at least have enough skill to do something successfully. When you have competence, confidence is natural and easy.
In order to get easy confidence, the best way is to practice enough in order to build up competence. This way confidence will naturally arise.
I made a video talking about the confidence/competence connection in more depth, check it out below:
The Confidence Chameleon
Before you have confidence or competence in any area, you have to fake it till you make it. I call this the confidence chameleon.
You must play the part of someone who is confident, and eventually you will build the skills and competence to have natural confidence in that area.
Winston Churchill was a BAD public speaker!
A man meekly approaches the podium at the British parliament. He stands up in silence, and for 3 minutes stood frozen in fear, unable to say a single word. This great man was Winston Churchill.
Winston Churchill eventually went on to be known for giving powerful and moving speeches that changed and motivated an entire nation.
Even Winston Churchill started with no confidence, and over time build up competence until he was known for being one of the best in the world.
Steve Jobs Had Anxiety
Remember that man that gave such interesting and powerful presentations that millions of people have seen over and over again. That man, Steve Jobs, started out nervous and anxious.
In his first TV interview in 1978, Steve had to ask for water, and if he could leave and come back. Finally said that he might go to the bathroom and throw up at any moment.
Why Churchill & Jobs Succeeded
The similarity between these men is that they both barrelled through being nervous as a confident chameleon, giving the appearance that they were confident (standing up to give a speech or accepting a TV interview).
Through the nerves and anxiety, they both kept practicing and working on it until eventually they were known as the most confident and highly skilled and competent in the entire world.
It turns out that the most naturally gifted people, are actually just well practiced.
The most naturally gifted people, are just well practiced.
The Myth of Affirmations
If you search Google for 'positive affirmations' you'll find many lists of amazing affirmations that will 'change your life'. Unfortunately, these don't work. At least not most of the time.
Building confidence requires self trust. The more you trust in your abilities, the more confident you are.
Trust is based on honesty. When you say an affirmation that sounds good, but isn’t true right now, you are lying to yourself. This hurts trust, and as a result, hurts your confidence.
When Affirmations Hurt
- To overcome low self-esteem
- Used repeatedly in the mirror
- When they are overly positive and unbelievable
In a study conducted by Geoffrey L. Cohen from Yale University, Geoffrey found that overly positive affirmations can actually hurt a person with low self esteem. However when they were allowed to think negative thoughts, the participants had better moods.
Being overly positive is lying, and when you lie to yourself, you hurt your self trust, and hurt confidence.
You create a huge contradiction within yourself which strengthens the negative view.
When Affirmations Work
J. David Creswell the assistant professor of psychology in CMU found that positive yet brief affirmations can help problem solving under stressful or high pressure situations.
This means that the best times to use positive affirmations is when you're about to undergo a difficult or stressful task, or when you're in the midst of one already.
Saying to yourself "I'm great, I can do it, I can get through this, I have infinite skills in this area", actually works in this case.
When Affirmations Work
- Brief and Positive in high pressure situations
- Before Undergoing a difficult task
- To be okay in a high stress situation
The 'lie' of the affirmation in this case boosts you through the stressful situation, and you feel better afterwards because you accomplished something.
Being true to yourself to build confidence
If you say affirmations to yourself in the mirror under non stressful situations, your brain knows you are lying, and it makes you feel worse.
Since you're not achieving anything in that moment, your brain knows for a fact that it's nonsense, and your self esteem and confidence go down.
The best thing is to just try to be honest with yourself. Be true to yourself about your abilities while knowing that you can get through if you put in the practice.
Be okay with being not okay
One of the best ways to feel more confident instead of using affirmations, is to start being okay with not being okay. When you accept that you are in a bad mood, or that you're sad, or angry, instead of fighting it, you'll notice that it lifts much faster.
This is similar to the confidence chameleon of Steve jobs and Winston Churchill. They both felt nervous when starting, but they were okay with how nervous they felt and they did the work.
An Example of being okay with sadness:
Not being okay with being sad: (an unconfident person)
I'm not sad.. I just hate this feeling, ach, why do I say that, I can't believe it, I don't want to be sad.. I hate being sad, ah now I'm sad about being sad, I can't stand this, it's torture, I will be sad forever.
Being okay with being sad: (a confident person)
I'm sad right now, it happens, I know I'm sad and I feel really down, I can't even remember feeling this bad although I probably have, but its okay, I know it will pass, I've been sad before and it's passed.. so I know I'll be okay.
By being okay with being sad, you naturally accept yourself. That self acceptance gives you a reason to lift the sadness. If however you don't accept the sadness, then you will get dragged even deeper into it.
Take The Confidence Quiz
Find out how confident you are and what you could improve!
The 5 Requirements of A Confident Self Image
In this section we will look at developing simple habits that will improve your self confidence and self assurance. These tricks will make you more attractive and confident every single day.
Get a nice haircut, clean up your facial hair. When you are groomed and looking sharp, you naturally feel more confident.
Style and Colour
You may be a bright colour type of person, or a dark sultry type. However it's important to hone your style and fully own your look.
Wear fitted clothes
Nothing says shabby like unfitted clothes. When you wear clothes that hug your body, you'll feel and look more confident. Don't get them too tight though or you'll look strange.
Working out improves your self image, even when you just start out and nothing has actually changed you. You feel better just because your are taking action.
Be clean, every day. Never go out with body odour and always use cologne or some form of body spray. Shower every morning and preferably every evening too. Shower after you workout too.
Those are some basic tips to improve your self image in order to become the most confident version of yourself. These tricks you can start doing right away today, so get started now.
Now we will look into the mind games of confidence. How can you play around with your thoughts to start developing more confidence in all areas of life?
Play The 3 Mind Games Of Confidence
We are constantly thinking, always running a narrative in our mind. If you want to be more confident, you have to start twisting and contorting that narrative to suit your newfound confidence purpose.
- 1) Positive Thinking
- 2) Stop Negative Thinking
- 3) Focus On Solutions
1) Positive thinking
My favourite ways to play with my brain so I become more confident.
Optimists live longer and are happier. They have more friends and better relationships. All this adds to being more confident.
A confident person is optimistic in his abilities. He has self trust, that's why he's confident. being confident is a positive thought process, so by practicing being positive in all areas of your life, you will naturally begin to be more confident.
2) Stop your negative thinking in its tracks
Become more aware of your negative thoughts. Remember it's not bad that you have these thoughts, as we mentioned earlier, you must be okay with not being okay.
When you have a negative thought like "I'm stupid, I hate myself," it's okay to have that thought. Accept it, but then move onto more positive thoughts like "Actually I’m pretty good at something and I like something about myself".
The more you become aware of the negative thoughts, accept them and move into positive thoughts, the faster you will be at stopping this bad habit.
When you cut out all negative thoughts (something I'm still working on), you'll be much more confident and secure in yourself than ever before.
The 7 Belief structures of CORE Confidence
These mental frameworks are not affirmations, but genuine honest thoughts that are based purely in fact. Just by thinking about these more often, you will become more confident. I use them all the time to become more confident.
"I have confidence that I can succeed in spite of obstacles by learning more and practicing more."
This is simply true. If you practice and learn more, you will naturally overcome obstacles. it's a fact. So, you can have confidence in knowing that this is true.
"I can get through this like I've gotten through many things before."
This is also fact, you have likely gone through many difficult situations and come out better on the other end. This current situation is no different.
"If I look good, I’ll feel good. And if I feel good, I’ll look good"
This is very true, so keep telling yourself this statement and you'll naturally want to feel better and look better.
"People love me when I'm more confident."
This is also true, it's easier to like someone who's confident because they already trust themselves so it's easier to trust them. This simple fact can make you want to be more confident and therefore be loved more and become more attractive
"If I step out of my comfort zone and face my fear, I’ll be fine coming out the other end and nothing bad will happen."
This is true, but it's very hard to see at the moment you're feeling unconfident. Think about a time you've faced something difficult, yet here you are, reading this post, totally fine.
"Confidence is self trust, which is based on honesty, so if I’m more honest with myself I’ll be more confident."
This one is self explanatory and of course, based in trust. If you know that being honest will increase you're confidence you will do it more.
"If I'm okay with not being okay, I’ll become more confident."
This is completely true, if you practice being okay even when you're not feeling your best, you will become more confident.
As you can see these mental frameworks are not affirmations. You're not telling yourself 'I'm confident, attractive, amazing, trustworthy, etc', when you may not feel that way.
Instead you're telling yourself the HONEST frameworks of confidence. The more you use these frameworks the more confident you will become.
Now we have looked at the psychology, mindset and basics of confidence. We also covered some simple actions that you can do to become more confident.
Now I will give you some down to earth hard and fast tactics that you can start applying right away to make you more confident. These habits, tricks and tactics will definitely boost your confidence and you'll feel amazing doing them.
Take The Confidence Quiz
Find out how confident you are and what you could improve!
The 12 Covert Tactics that build confidence
Start small with one pushup a day before bed. You'll look better, feel better and increase your confidence.
Talk to people as you go through your day. This ability will give you immense confidence every time you do it.
3) Cold showers
Learn to overcome mental excuses, get through pain and control your mind with willpower. Instant confidence boost when you succeed.
4) Power Poses
Social psychologist Amy buddy says power poses boost self confidence.
Start off every morning with open arms, your chest out, head up, and a big smile.
Watch your breath and relax your mind for an instant calm boost of confidence.
Learn to be present and improve your awareness, and you're confidence will shoot up.
Write out your thoughts and feelings. Remove all the filters and don't edit your work. Just write.
This gives you clarity, awareness and ultimately more confidence.
7) Stand Up tall
Work on your sitting and standing posture. Confident people stand tall.
The posture itself produces confidence, and confidence produces the posture.
8) Be Generous
When you give you others with gifts, advice or even a smile, it tells you that you have lots to give.
This mindset gives you total confidence in your-self.
9) Practice Daily
Develop competence by daily practice to produce lasting confidence.
Celebrate the daily tasks and little wins. Take baby steps and practice daily to build lasting confidence.
An act of kindness and generosity builds confidence, and volunteering is the ultimate in giving.
Knowing you've helped others means you have more confident to help yourself.
11) Have Gratitude
Have gratitude for the small and large things and you’ll feel more confident.
Gratitude breeds optimism which is a requirement for confidence.
Be grateful for your health, the world you live in, your opportunities or just for being alive today.
12) No Comfort Zone
Step outside your comfort zone to enjoy an immediate and long lasting confidence boost.
Stand up to your boss, go skydiving, ask the cute girl out or start writing that book.
Finally I will talk about a mindset and habit that wraps up many of these thoughts and gives you some clear action steps to take that will help you boost your confidence from day one.
2 Clear Action Steps To Build Confidence Momentum
The best way to build confidence is with small habits. I already gave the ideas of doing 1 pushup a day instead of joining the gym. These small baby steps build a momentum of confidence. If you join a gym and workout for a week, you get an initial surge of confidence. But if you quit, or slow down, which will likely happen because its hard to keep up without that surge of motivation, you will have a drop in confidence.
However let's say you do the small daily habit of 1 push-up a day, even though its considerably easier than joining a gym, you will still build the momentum of confidence. You will build the self trust that you CAN do it. The fact that you are doing it over and over again gives you confidence. Its not the push-up itself that gives you confidence, it's the fact that you are consistent.
Start a success journal
I have kept a success journal for over a year now, and every time i look at it I get a surge of confidence.
I write a minimum of three things, no matter how small, into my success journal. My three successes could be 1 pushup, 5 seconds of meditation, and writing in my success journal.
A success journal taught me one of the biggest life lessons that I keep to this day. It’s having bigger dreams, but focusing on smaller baby steps.
I learned the habits that worked for me and what didn't. I learned that habits produced that more results.
I learned why I had good days and bad days. These are all things you can discover about yourself if you start to keep a success journal.
Baby Steps - Bigger Dreams
I started to realise that doing small daily winning habits every day, built more confidence and more positive habits in my life than trying to go extreme on one habit.
30 minutes of exercise once a week was less effective in improving my confidence and health than 1-5 pushups consistently every single day.
This is because by doing it every day build momentum, an ongoing winning feeling, and a feeling of constant success.
I would also have fitness and health on my mind every day so I would eat better and end up working out even more.
This is why you should focus on baby steps, while thinking about your bigger dreams.
Spend each day trying to be a little wiser than you were when you woke up. Discharge your duties faithfully and well. Step by step you get ahead, but not necessarily in fast spurts. But you build discipline by preparing for fast spurts.... Slug it out one inch at a time, day by day. At the end of the day--if you live long enough--most people get what they deserve.
If you want to start building your confidence right away with some really easy to implement habits, then I've got a list below of some of the habits you can implement that take 10 seconds or less to do, and done consistently over time will build your confidence.
13 Confidence Tactics That Take 10 Seconds or Less
Here are some tiny habits that take 10 seconds or less and lead to total confidence in your life. You can easily start implementing these right away.
1. Do 1 pushup a day before bed (or after wake up)
2. Do 1 burpee a day before bed (or after wake up)
3. Leg stretch while brushing teeth
4. saying "hello" to people when you sit near them
5. Saying "how are you" to people you encounter shopping/getting coffee
6. Smiling at yourself in the mirror every day
7. Slowing down and watching your breath for 10s per day
8. Finishing your shower on cold
9. Do a power pose once a day
10. Ask yourself what you are grateful for once a day
11. Smile for 10 seconds
12. Notice negative thoughts and say positive thoughts right away
13. Write my daily success in a journal tonight
Take The Confidence Quiz